Why I Left My Self-sustainable Lifestyle.

As I roll through August, so many memories flood my mind of these past few years I've experienced.

If you don't know much about me and my recent past, here's my last six years in a nutshell....

I moved across the country to Colorado in 2012, lived in Boulder and worked at Colorado University. In those short years, I grew my foundation into my next step in life.... I relocated back to my hometown in Naples in 2014 and after 8 months back home, I journeyed off to Oregon with my partner at the time and lived in the Pacific Northwest until November of last year. In Oregon, I started my business (MBP) and lived a very self-sustainable lifestyle. From growing my own food to living off-grid in a yurt, I thought I had made all my dreams come true...

You can read more of my wanderlust journey here, through my blog posts. 

From the outside, this lifestyle looks picture-perfect most would say.

And it's what we millennials want, right?

A tiny house.

In the woods.

Away from society.  

I witness so many people wanting to take on this lifestyle, but have no clue what type of strength and sacrifice it really takes to make this dream a reality. 

So now when I hear people say they want to live off-grid and away from civilization, I ask this...

What are you running from? 

You see, I embarked on this journey for some of the wrong reasons and had to learn all about those intentions on my way to where I stand now. 

I had given up on the world in a very small, yet big way. 

Out of fear, I had come to a conclusion that the world was f*cked and I needed to get the hell out of society before the shit hit the fan.

But most of all, I had given up on myself and I was afraid of my own potential.

I felt like I needed a security plan and someone to guide me through life because I was subconsciously afraid to take control of my own life.

So I did what I felt was the right thing to do at the time, I would live an honest life within nature and set that example for others to do the same. 

Which would heal the world right? 

Little did I know, what this journey really had in store for me. 

My partner and I created a little homestead of our own.

We had chickens for eggs, rabbits for meat and ducks for tilling the garden. You name it, we had it...greenhouse, solar panels, composting toilet, solar shower etc. 

But slowly as time was passing I had developed severe anxiety, something was just "off".

In those moments of panic attacks, I would sit and question... what the f*ck god? I'm living this life because it's what needs to be done in order to keep the world from self-destructing, right?

Why do I feel this way? What's wrong with me if I'm doing EVERYTHING RIGHT?! 

I guess you could say I was naive and I missed the whole point to actually LIVING these past few years.

What it came down to was, I wasn't doing what I wanted. Instead, I did what I thought needed to be done for the bigger picture. 

In moments of solitude, I would sit and imagine my life 10 years from now and I just felt terribly sad. I couldn't see myself being truly happy with doing this for my entire life. I knew life had more in-store for me than just this. 

So I made the jump. 

I left everything behind to chase the echo in my heart. 

I said goodbye to my yurt, my best friend and everything we had created over the past 6 years. 

I can't even begin to describe all the emotions I felt of fear, guilt and disappointment that came along with this decision,  It has been one of the hardest moments in my life that I yet experienced and there was nothing easy or pretty about it. 

It was all or nothing. 

Of course it's still hard at times, but I know I'm doing what's best for ME now, not what I feel needs to be done. Just like you, we all have the free will to do what we want with our lives. So for us to judge that one way of living it better than the other is complete bullshit. 

You know what really matters in life to me? 

Morals, values, honesty, respect, discipline and personal freedom. 

I know if each one of us is showing up to be our best selves, than the world will heal on it's own. 

It took me a while to not only learn but accept, that it's not my responsibility to carry the world on my shoulders or is it yours. But it is our personal responsibility and duty to show up as our best human. 

Living side-by-side with nature has changed my life forever and I will always be so deeply connected to her. She is still my best therapist, my number one provider, my guide to understanding things I can't explain and my solid rock that's always there for me to lean upon. 

I have gained the highest respect for her and all that she gives to each one of us. 

So with this immense support system I have beneath me, I'm no longer afraid of my potential. 

As in nature, as in each of us.

I now know that I can move mountains with the power within me and so can you.

"We don't get what we want in life, we get what we are."

-Kendra