Today I Got Married to Myself.
Today I fully committed myself to me as my best-friend, therapist, coach, business partner, romantic counterpart and so much more.
Basically, my ride or die.
Why?
I decided that everything I've ever sought out in another person, I'm giving it to me, from me.
Because I'm already whole, for better or for worse.
While growing up, the last thing I felt I was ever taught, was how to love myself. It came long after learning how to tie my shoes or recite the alphabet. It actually didn't arise until I realized that I did in fact, not love myself.
It took years of medications, therapists and a whole lot of breakdowns to finally break my heart wide open. During that time, joy, happiness and of course love, seemed like a fairy-tale in my world and I wasn't sure if I would ever see it.
If my future self could've had a pep talk with my past self, It's so clear to me now what would of lit a fire under my ass.
The simple question of...
Do you love yourself, Kendra?
At 18 with depression and bulimia, I would've responded with a deer in the headlights look in my eyes. I probably would've said something like, "What do you mean do I love myself? That's not the issue, the issue is, I'm sad."
And so it went, let her cope with the sadness through anti-depressants and she 'might feel better'.
But what I actually needed to hear was, "No, you're sad because you don't love yourself and I'm going to show you how."
Later on that came, but not through doctors, medications or therapy, it showed it's self through reflections of relationships in my life.
Years of shadow work through others is how I discovered how to love myself. It sucked, to say the least, and I'm still working out those kinks to this day. But each relationship kept showing me the same fucking thing... only you can love yourself how YOU need to be loved. Don't put that shit on other people.
So on this beautiful summer day, I decided to take myself to the beach and bask in the sun while writing my vows to myself.
I take me, Kendra Vogue Solow to be all that I'll ever need.
To have and to hold from this day forward.
For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health, to love and cherish all of me in this life and the next.
I do.
After I wrote these powerful words dedicated to my wholeness, I floated my little soul in the water repeating those words over and over as I let the waves set me free. As I left my little wedding on the beach I found myself at the tattoo shop down the road making it official.
I knew exactly what I wanted.
On my ring finger I got a circle and two crescent moons beside it. To me this represents that even though i'll be taken through the multi-facet phases of life & death, I am still whole, no matter what.
"To truly love another, we must first have an affair with ourselves." -KVS
So today is the day I say "I do", not to another man nor a woman, but to the one I know I can always count on, that's me.
-with self love, anything is possible.
Kendra